Overcoming Anxiety
My early childhood was unorthodox, to say the least. I can remember as early as pre-kindergarten being confided in by a fellow four year old about what I now know to be her domestic sexual abuse. Why she chose me to open up to, I don’t know. What I do know is she felt safe talking to me. Ever since, this role of confidante and trusted emotional advisor has played out again and again in my life. It also foreshadowed critical emotional support that I was to receive in the future.
I struggled with high anxiety during grade school. I was able to keep all of my emotions together during the school day, but the second I got home, I lashed out at the people close to me. I consistently had great grades, a fun social life, and appeared to be happy, but on the inside, I was hurting. My parents and I decided it would be best for me to receive help for my outbursts, which we would later learn were linked to severe anxiety and depression. So I went to Rogers Memorial Hospital in Wisconsin with hope for healing.
While there, I felt uncomfortable and unsafe. My anxiety actually increased! I advocated for myself to my parents who, after hearing my thoughts, got on a plane and flew to me within seven hours. While I wanted help, I quickly realized that this was not the right place for me to get it. Soon I left Rogers and began attending the therapeutic boarding school Intermountain. I was only 10 years old and living 1,000 miles away from home in Helena Montana. It wasn’t easy. I was in Helena away from my family for 18 months. However, I mustered the courage and confidence to thrive there. I was able to trust the professionals (a couple were true guardian angels) and begin to develop an awareness of my anxiety and how it affected my emotional regulation and behaviors. Through individual and group therapy and much introspection I was able to begin to work through my anxiety. I am immensely grateful for this growth opportunity, especially so early in my life.
My passion for riding horses helped too. I began riding competitively when I was four years old and, during my time in Montana, I had to give this up. But the second I returned home, I started again. It was a major release for me. While riding, it was almost impossible for me to think or dwell on anything else because I had to be in the moment with my horse. Horses can feel energy and if I was anxious, they would react, so I had to train myself to keep calm. Riding also kept me balanced. I went back and forth between winning and losing on a weekly basis, and I learned how to take two steps forward, one step back. But my hard work and persistence paid off, and I ended up winning five national championships.
Last year, my best friend introduced me to the Cambodia-based organization AFESIP, which works with survivors of human trafficking. I was deeply inspired by the prospect of supporting and giving a voice to hundreds of women and children who endured horrendous atrocities and grave injustice. Of course, I wanted instant results– a louder voice, better shelters, programming and more funds raised–but I had to learn to be patient, that good things take time. I also had to step outside my comfort zone, something I did by asking over 300 people to donate. Some of the people I asked I hadn’t spoken to in years. Although I was at times uncomfortable, I pushed myself. I couldn’t let these survivors down! So far I’ve raised $38,000 and am planning a trip to Cambodia in November to visit the shelters and meet survivors.
As a result of my life experiences, I have been drawn to the question, “What makes us tick?” What was it about me, for example, that drove my childhood friend to confide in me? What “tools” did I learn to help myself at Intermountain that sparked such a big change? Was it my childhood experiences that drove me to feel so passionate about AFESIP? I am not sure where I will eventually end up, but I do know that wherever I do end up, I will continue to aggressively pursue opportunities for social and emotional growth and I will continue to passionately help others to do the same.