Zombie Apocalypse

Seeing how we appear to be playing bingo with end-of-the-world scenarios these days, it seems like it’s only a matter of time before we end up with a zombie apocalypse. Luckily, after careful consideration, I’ve realized that I am perfectly positioned to survive one—well, as perfectly positioned to survive as anyone can be. No, I am not a wilderness survival expert and, despite my family’s nightly activity of binge watching the survival show Alone, our pathetic attempts at a vegetable and herb garden every year, and my backpacking experiences at camp, I’ve realized that acting like Bear Grylls probably isn’t my best plan. Instead, I plan to blend in. As a chronic insomniac, I pretty much already look like a zombie (at least in the morning). Embracing my new circumstances should not be a problem—if anything it’s an excuse to ditch my concealer.

Of course, there is much debate over whether zombies have an enhanced sense of smell and, therefore, would be able to tell that I was human. If the strong scent of chlorine that seems to be ever-present on my clothes as I move from lifeguarding to swim practice wouldn’t be enough to disguise this fact, at least I’d be able to use chemistry for something practical and recreate Raychelle Burks “Eau de Death” perfume (yes, that’s a real thing). Thankfully, some true geniuses like Burks started preparing for the apocalypse long before I did and discovered chemicals that can make you smell like a rotting corpse. It may not be exactly what I learned in class, but it would definitely be an interesting challenge to keep myself occupied, assuming everything else was shut down. Even in an apocalypse, I would hate to be bored.

Of course, hanging out with a bunch of zombies wouldn’t be an ideal scenario, and I would probably want to find a way to restore humanity at some point. Fortunately, according to the US Strategic Command’s official zombie survival plan (yes, that’s a real thing too), there are only a few potential causes of a zombie apocalypse. They assume that the cause is likely to be either viral or due to some chemical contaminant or toxin. As fast as COVID-19 mutates, it probably won’t lead to zombies any time soon, which leaves the chemical contaminant. If zombies are created by chemical exposure, that likely means epigenetic changes (changes that influence gene expression without altering DNA itself) cause human zombification. Lucky for me, and the human race, epigenetic changes were proven reversible by John Gurdon way back in 1962. After saving humanity, I would probably get a lot of job offers in the field of molecular biology, setting me up perfectly for my goal of becoming a clinical geneticist.

Since I already plan my days hour by hour on sticky notes, I’m fairly certain I’d also be good at coming up with plans to ration any available food and water. Provided other survivors weren’t hoarding—and given a zombie’s, uh, atypical diet—I know could make it work. Considering I already live on mainly Saltines and Hostess cupcakes, I’m well prepared for a diet of packaged food.

So, while everyone panics about the end of the world, I take comfort in knowing that the zombie apocalypse is no match for a brain that is most alert at 2:00 a.m., my knowledge of science, and my stellar planning skills. Bring it on 2021.