207: 17 Things to Do Before Going to College

Ethan Sawyer  0:09  
Hey, this is Ethan Sawyer, the College Essay Guy, and my goal is to bring more ease, joy and purpose into the college application process. Welcome to the podcast, where it's my job to interview some of the awesomest folks in the college admissions world analyze their genius and then break it down for you into a series of practical, actionable steps that you can take, whether you're applying to college or helping someone else apply. Sometimes I don't even need to break it down for you because it's already been broken down for you, and that's just what this week's guest does. Harlan Cohen, this is actually the first time on the podcast, and I'm discussing the what comes next of the college admissions process, and who better to do it than Harlan Cohen. He's the author of The New York Times bestseller The Naked roommate and 107 other issues you might run into in college, a book that I've had on my bookshelf for many years. On this episode, Harlan gives a ton of great advice, including a simple exercise to help you set up for a really great freshman year, how to find your people on campus. Should you or should you not break up with your high school sweetheart? And what Harlan says might actually surprise you, three great questions that you should put in your roommate contract, as well as some on campus resources that he and I wish we'd known more about when we were in college. And finally, harlan's three box strategy for packing all this and more coming at you now. My guest today is Harlan Cohen. He's a New York Times best selling author, nationally syndicated advice columnist and speaker who's visited over get this 500 high school and college campuses. He's the author of six books, including The Naked roommate and 107 other issues you might run into in college, the naked roommate for parents only and dads expecting too. Harlan is a frequent guest on TV and radio programs. He's the founder of Best first year, an online college readiness and success program for high school and college students. Harlan, welcome to the podcast.


Harlan Cohen  1:59  
It is so fantastic to be here. Ethan,


Ethan Sawyer  2:04  
thanks. We've been meaning to do this for a while, and I'm glad that we finally made it happen. So Harlan, how do you stay connected with college going, folks? Because you are not a college student, so you know, are you? And I imagine things are changing all the time. So how do you find out what's what student issues are


Harlan Cohen  2:18  
these days? Yes, I love this question. I'm totally losing my hair, and I'm not in college anymore, and I totally get it. But the beauty of what I get to do is I visit high schools and colleges, and I work with students and conduct workshops and trainings, and they share their fears, they share their dreams, they share the challenges that are keeping them from getting where they want to go. And then I get to meet with administrators. I get to meet with teachers, and I get to meet with researchers, and collectively, all of this information tells a really compelling story. So I'm able to connect with the students, and then I'm able to share with them that so much of what they're dealing with is something that a lot of people have been dealing with for a long time. But for these students, the problems are bigger. Their ability to cope with them tends to be not as great, and that is where we're able to connect on a deep level. I'm also I'm really great with rejection. And being awesome with rejection really helps people to like, like me, because I'm like, the King of Rejection. They're like, Oh, I identify with that.


Ethan Sawyer  3:20  
So we're gonna try and get to like, 17 things, which is a weird number, which I like, which I like, weird numbers that students should do before going to college. But before we jump into things like, I just want to check in with you, like, how is your life going right now?


Harlan Cohen  3:34  
My life is great, man. My life's an adventure. My life is so interesting, and every day is a surprise in some form or fashion. And, and I dig it. It's, it's, it's cool, man, things are I sound like, I'm, like, really hip in from like, I'm like, Austin Powers dating myself, yo. Like,


Ethan Sawyer  3:58  
Austin Powers who, like, lives in Austin, you know, it's like, super cool. Like, this is like startup. Harlan, so just a side note to the listener, we're gonna do 17 tips right now. And before each tip, you'll hear a ding that goes like this, and that ding will sort of signal that's the next tip. So let's get into it. Number one, what's the first thing students, you feel like students have to do before going to college? Harlan,


Harlan Cohen  4:21  
Okay, number one is, identify what you want. And I know that sounds vague, but I can't tell you how many students struggle with that question of what do you want, and here's why. Ethan, it's because everything is designed to focus more on being wanted than focusing on what we want. And the beauty of college is, you're in, you're here. This is about you. What do you want? And when offered that question, some students are overwhelmed because they haven't practiced asking themselves that question of, what do I want? I. So forget about being wanted. What do you want? Why did you choose this school? Why are you at this place? And even if it's not your first choice, do you want to have a good year or do you want to have a stinky year? There are people who don't get into their dream school and they're like, I hate this place. So like, do you want to have a terrible year or a great year? So what do you want to experience the first month, the first semester, first quarter, first year of school. And the more specific you can get, the better the chances of it happening. And then you tell people what you want, and you use the things you did in high school to help guide you so that you can be directed to the things you want. And this is going to be what helps you to transition and have a great year, a year based on what you want, as opposed to what everyone else wants, or being invited, or having to ask permission to be included in the things you want to do great. So how do students do that? So number two, tell the story of your first year as if it's already happened. Now the problem is so many times we focus on the things we're afraid of. We focus on fear, we focus anxiety, we focus on why we shouldn't want things because they're not going to happen. Think about love. So many times I ask people, because I'm an advice columnist too, would you like a little love in your life? No, I'm like, really, like, you don't want love enough? No, I'm focused on academics or focused on work. But really, what's happening is, if you think about wanting this thing, probably the thought of it is going to generate some negative or uncomfortable feelings. So you don't even give yourself permission to want it, because wanting it is uncomfortable and difficult. The exercise of telling your stories, if it's already happened, gives you permission to jump to a place of feeling really great and excited and feeling the benefits of whatever it is you want. And using that example of a relationship, it's like, you know, if it's a year in the future and you're having dinner or holding someone's hand, that's a good feeling, right? Forget all the other stuff. So tell a story of your first year as if it's already happened. What happened the first year? Jump to the future. It's June 1. Fill in the year, and then you can fill in the blank. It's June 1. Fill in the blank. I'm so proud of myself and my accomplishments I had the most incredible first year I was able to accomplish fill in the blank. I did this by putting myself in these places. I was able to find support by reaching out to these people. It was an incredible year, and I'm so proud of myself. So what you do is take yourself to that place which is really about designing what you want and then deconstructing it so that you could identify the people and places who can help you to get where you want to go, and then giving yourself that timeline. And again, the more specific, the better. If you want a GPA, if you want friends. When I talk to students who struggle with this, I'll often say, Let's go to the end of your first year. You made three new friends. Okay, where are the places you made these friends outside of the classroom, and if you're living on campus, outside of the residence hall, where are these people? And where are these places? Because that's going to help you to really create structure and design your year. If you don't know how to answer this question, then you talk to students who have been there and done it, and you ask them, How did you find your best friends, where? How did you find your places? If you still have a hard time, think to what do you what did you do in high school? What are the things that gave you pleasure and use those things a lot of times, people are like, I'm going to start new. I don't want to do the things that I already did. And my answer is, you know, why don't you start new your second year, the first year, start from a place of comfort, where you are familiar with how things are going to work, and then you can take a step outside your comfort zone.


Ethan Sawyer  8:50  
This is awesome. One thing you don't know about me Harlan, is that this is something that I do actually every year, is I create for the past year, I created a gratitude or done list, just saying thank you for the previous year, and then I make it for the next year. So I will look ahead. I did it at the start of this year, looking back on the things that I want to be able to say that I am grateful for from the previous year. So you mentioned students finding their place. What are some ways that students can begin to find their place on a campus?


Harlan Cohen  9:18  
Well, number three is pick three clubs, activities or organizations that speak to you, make sure you have access to at least two of these. The way to do this is to go to the campus website. That's a really wonderful place to start. Also using Instagram, using Snapchat, looking at the social media that the different clubs, activities and organizations use to share their messaging, to broadcast their events, to engage with students. Those are amazing, because you actually get to see not only what happens within these clubs and organizations, but you get to kind of see familiar faces that will be people you bump into on campus. Yes. So the website, using social media, you can also talk to students who you already know. You could use student ambassadors. If you are on campus, you have your orientation leaders. If you're living on campus, you have your Res Life staff. And you can ask people the best question to ask students who are living this experience that you want to live is, where did you find your closest friends and best experiences? What are the three places that where are your three places? And people love that they love answering it, and it gives you a sense of some of the activities and organizations and things that you can do that maybe you weren't thinking about before. It's


Ethan Sawyer  10:42  
crazy when I think back to my own freshman year of, like, first week experience, how many of those folks I'm actually still in touch with? Like, I'm having dinner tonight with a friend that I met, you know, new student week at Northwestern and you know, it's like, you know, you've mentioned actually, let me not. I don't want to spoil your thunder, but in terms of, like, the people like, that, seems like a really important part of this? Yeah, absolutely.


Harlan Cohen  11:02  
So number four is identify your five people on campus who will be in your corner. So everybody needs people. One of the challenges is when you're in a new place surrounded by new people having new experiences, it can really throw you, because when you get uncomfortable, and uncomfortable is part of any change. If you don't have your people, your people on campus, you end up connecting with only people at home. And this is where you get stuck behind the fifth wall of technology, the idea of cell phones and the internet and social media, of connecting you with people who aren't on campus, and really pulling you in a different direction. So this idea of, how do you find these people? And it takes some time to find these people, but the way you do it is by going to all of the first year programs, by going to pre orientation programs, which I'll mention in a little bit as well. But really thinking intentionally of, how am I going to find these people? There are people who volunteer to help. And some of those people are the orientation leaders, the ambassadors, student leaders. There are people who are paid to help, which the staff is amazing. These people they love, to help you. And then there are people you can ask to help. And when you're part of these experiences, like you were just saying, Ethan, everybody's in a new place, sharing new experiences, and a lot of times you find connections. But I want to really be super clear. Sometimes you go through this stuff and you don't find life lifelong friends. Like, that's awesome that you found lifelong friends, but I know there's someone listening, and they'll be like, Oh my gosh, it's like, two months in, I don't have any close friends. That's wrong with me. But the thing is, you will make friends throughout your college experience at different times in your life. Just because you haven't found those close connections the first couple months, it only means that you just need more time put your you need to put yourself in more places. Because we make friends our senior year, junior year, we're always making new friends,


Ethan Sawyer  12:59  
right? That's such a great point, because I'm, I had kind of an idea, like a college experience. I'm like, it's gonna You're gonna love it, it's gonna be so amazing. And just hearing you say that is like, oh, right, it goes differently for each person. So thank


Harlan Cohen  13:11  
you. It was so miserable. The whole reason I do what I do is because I had a really horrible first year in college. I didn't know how to find friends, I didn't know how to find people. I panicked, so everything I share is based on me doing the wrong thing. So that's where it comes from, because no one ever tells us this. It's crazy in high school, the focus is all about getting in but what happens once students are there? There's very little, very little conversation about that, and the statistics tell us that over 80% of students are overwhelmed, and 53 over 53% of students feel hopeless their first year. And no one knows that these things happen. But what I've seen is when students don't know what's coming, and they don't think about what's going to happen once I'm there, that's when they tend to panic and get in trouble. So that's really how I designed these


Ethan Sawyer  14:04  
right? Take us to number five. Number five,


Harlan Cohen  14:07  
do not break up with your high school sweetheart. I know some of you are thinking, I gotta, I gotta, like, cut ties. I gotta end this thing. But no, no. If you have someone who is loving and wonderful in your corner, that's really great. But here's the thing, your significant other needs to encourage you to have a life on campus, right? You need to have someone who encourages you to find new friends and have these new experiences, because that's a great relationship. So if you can create a life on campus independent of your significant other, then that's a good thing. Like, don't break up. People are like, oh, I need to break up. But really, the first three months, especially if you're single, can be some of the most dangerous times, especially for women, because of some of the other issues that we hear about in terms of just regular safety, campus safety, so when you're in a relationship, the other thing is. Like, you don't have to be part of that. And let me tell you, if you're like, Oh, I'm gonna miss out on this crazy college experience, it will be there next year if you break up, right? And you'll be a sophomore, so you'll be even cooler.


Ethan Sawyer  15:11  
Did you break up with your high school sweetheart or no,


Harlan Cohen  15:15  
did I break up with her? She dumped me so hard, it was, I'm not too proud she I love this girl so much. I was a freshman in college. She was a senior, and I did not have a life on campus, and I leaned and leaned and leaned on her till eventually, her father gave her some advice. He compared our relationship to a dying puppy and urged her to shoot the puppy. Wow. So she did. She called me and shot the puppy and ended the relationship. It's not funny. It was horrible, but I needed it, because number six is break up with your high school sweetheart. And the reason that she needed to break up with me, and I didn't have the courage to break up with her, is because I wasn't having a life independent of my relationship. I let that define me. So if your significant other discourages you from having a life on campus, if your significant other doesn't want you to find new friends and doesn't want you to have new experiences, and if you don't put yourself in new places and find new people, because you're constantly leaning on your relationship, if you're that person who's in the hall always like having face time or sharing meals and not engaging with other people, then break up. You need to be on campus to create a life on campus, not at home or staring into a device. This


Ethan Sawyer  16:32  
is great. I love the balance of those, the yin and the yang or not. It's kind of like a paradox that you've offered and but this, it seems like the core thing that you're saying here is like, do it, if it's providing a like, a fruitful, productive, supportive thing, and if you sense that your heart or in your head is elsewhere and you're not able to, like, create a life, you might consider cutting the cord,


Harlan Cohen  16:51  
shooting the puppy Absolutely you need. You need to. And that's really one of the biggest challenges, is we need to have a life where we can take care of ourselves and find fulfillment independent of someone else, and it's really hard, like love is, is love's a drug. I mean, it's intense, and it feels so good, especially when you're a teenager, and it can be so hard. So to want to hold on to that makes a ton of sense, but to do it in a healthy way and practice what it's like to be a part is a good thing. Distance relationships can actually be pretty awesome, because it forces you to create a life independent of the person who you were once very close to physically in terms of location. So it's a wonderful thing to do. Talk


Ethan Sawyer  17:35  
to us about the first week. How do students get started with some of your advice for that? You know, getting onto campus, hitting the moving runway time, absolutely


Harlan Cohen  17:43  
number seven. Check out welcome week calendar and pre orientation events. So you're going to have access to a lot of the information that's going to be given to you when you arrive on campus. And by looking at what are the programs, by seeing where are these activities, and who are the people running these activities, and how can you be a part of these? A lot of schools will actually have these pre orientation events where you can arrive a week early. I don't know. Did you do that? Ethan that? Yeah, first


Ethan Sawyer  18:16  
week was, like, amazing. My dad actually came from mine, which didn't work out as well, because I felt kind of bad, because it was like I had to. He was staying in my dorm room with me, and so my, like, my first impression from my roommate, it was the smallest dorm room on campus. Apparently he walks out there's like this, this 58 year old dude, like, with no shirt on, like, just sitting at the on my bed there. My


roommate was like, Dude, my roommates old,


but so maybe don't bring your dad and have him stay shirtless in your room during your student week. But definitely do it. Had a great time.


Harlan Cohen  18:48  
Yeah, that's funny. But those, yeah, there's those weeks even before, where sometimes there'll be retreats, or there'll be hikes, there'll be things that you can do that are going to help you to connect with other people. So I know that there's, there's camp, camp outs, and I know even at Northwestern, they have these, these programs through the different organizations that run it, and the students volunteer. So understanding that those things are really amazing. And while some of these things are like, Oh, these are cheesy. Like, I don't do these things, these are ridiculous. Like, go to the dumbest, stupidest events, because you can talk about how dumb they are with other people, and then you'll be like, you know, friends years in the future, talking about how stupid that one event was. So like, you could bond over how bad it is. Hopefully it's not my event. My events are really good. So if you see me on your campus, come by and be like, hey, Carlin. And yeah, it will be, it will be a good one. But really, take advantage of those. Always go, go, go, go, go. If you're afraid of going alone, which a lot of people are afraid of, you can pretend you're meeting someone, because no one will know. You could look at your phone and be like, Wow. Like, where are they? You could take a pad of a paper and pretend you're a reporter, like writing something, documenting for some blog, right? You're like a blogger, because with your with a pad of paper, and you're writing notes, like, clearly. You have a reason to be there. Or you can actually just walk up to someone and be like, hey, you know what? I don't really know a lot of people here. Do you know people? And they'll be like, No, you'll be like, great. Now we know each other, right,


Ethan Sawyer  20:11  
right? Or just like, wear a onesie. Because if you were, I find if I wear a onesie places, I do this at conferences sometimes, like, that's like, instant conversation starter.


Harlan Cohen  20:22  
You know, I think that could be like a number 19. These are ones that didn't make Blitz, but I appreciate creativity. Wearing a onesie, an adult one. Ethan's a tall mat. For those of you who haven't seen him in person, I've seen you never in your onesie, but now I have something to look forward to


Ethan Sawyer  20:41  
next, next conference. Read together. I promise you a onesie.


Harlan Cohen  20:45  
I'd love to see that. That'd be great, like we get matching onesies. Oh, that would be fun. See, that's what I'm talking about. That's the adventure. I would love to, love to feel what that's like.


Ethan Sawyer  20:56  
Keep us rolling. Go ahead number


Harlan Cohen  20:58  
eight. So read the campus newspaper from last year. Now if you don't have a campus newspaper, you can read the yearbook, you could look at the website, look at old social media, go to the Facebook pages, because the campus newspaper really gives you a sense of what the year is going to be like. Because most of these stories and I worked at the campus newspaper. I went to Indiana University after I transferred from the University of Wisconsin to Madison, and the Indiana University, I wrote for the Indiana daily student and this newspaper, we followed a lot of stories that were rituals, things that happened year after year, and the the opinion page were issues that have been dealt with year after year, and the businesses that are advertised are publicizing the same events that happen year after year. If you're looking for a job, you can get to see some of the local businesses. If you're interested in some of the trends on campus, you can check that out. If you're interested in clubs and activities or philanthropies, you can see who's involved with that. So it really gives you a great sense of your own coming attractions, and you get a sense of campus safety and some of those other issues that people might be telling you about that you're like, I don't really want to hear you. That's not true, that stuff doesn't happen. Then you read it and you're like, oh, I need to be aware of this. So really make sure you check that out and enjoy it. It's really interesting to see and hear what's been happening on campus. Love it. Number nine, ask yourself the question, Am I the roommate from hell? Oh, interesting. This idea of am I the roommate from hell is really important because a lot of students are so worried about who they're going to live with that they don't think about the fact that, like, what kind of roommate Are you and in the book, and we can include this in the notes too. I'll share a roommate contract. And basically there are three questions that you need to ask to make sure that you're a good roommate. Number one is, do I want to get along? Because if you don't want to get along, you're going to be a horrible roommate. You just have to co exist. Number two is, do you agree that friendships a bonus? And the reason this is so important is because a lot of people go into roommate situations requiring the person they're living with to be a friend, but truly friendships a bonus, and when you relieve someone of the obligation of being a friend, you can actually share how you truly feel, which is number three, do you both agree to the uncomfortable rule. It says you will share what makes you uncomfortable with each other within 24 to 48 hours, and if you don't, then you can't hold someone responsibility for those things that make you uncomfortable. If you can't share it on your own, then you can get someone from the Residence Life staff to help you along. But those three rules are going to help you to be a great roommate who can share space, get along, be honest. And what's really beautiful about this is if you can be honest and share what makes you uncomfortable, and have that be a rule, you're going to actually form a real relationship and a true friendship based on what's really happening, based on having a really authentic connection. And a lot of people struggle with that dude


Ethan Sawyer  24:00  
as a conflict avoider myself, I think that, especially that third world would have really helped me my with my first roommate, because it's not that we disliked each other. We just sort of, I think there was first the expectation of being friends, and then third, I don't think we really shared what made us uncomfortable. I think we sort of just didn't talk about things, and so as a result, we just didn't each spend a lot of time in the room. Also, it was, like I said, the smallest room on campus. But


Harlan Cohen  24:24  
I love this. And was your dad still there? My dad did. Yeah, he


Ethan Sawyer  24:28  
lived with us for two years, and


we shared the bed, the single bed, but hey, we had to do, you know,


Harlan Cohen  24:35  
we're joking jobs or some. I find that sometimes when I joke, people don't always understand, like we're joking. You're joking, right? I'm joking, officially, okay, but I just wanted to make sure, but that is that's a big, a big issue, and if someone doesn't live on campus, I really encourage you to try to live on campus. If money is an issue, live close to campus or get a job where you can be a resident assistant. Sense, or someone who can have room and board paid for. You can always, you can always find a way. It just takes a lot of work, but you find people who have made it work, and that is how you can end up living on a campus as well.


Ethan Sawyer  25:13  
Totally agree. I want to double down on that, because those first conversations that I had, you know, just walking through the halls and being in those, like, you know, at school, we had these suites where you would just, like, stay up doing your homework, and those late night conversations were, like, some of the greatest learning opportunities that I think I had in college.


Harlan Cohen  25:30  
Yeah, that's, it's, it's, it's, it's a huge part. And I just want to also, you double down. I'm going to triple down, right? And this is the other part. Is that if you're a commuter, because you get a lot of commuters, a lot of parents, of commuter students, the importance of having your places on campus, the importance of studying on campus, the importance of being part of a commuter organization, the importance of being part of a leadership organization, something where you are forced to be on campus so that you have that downtime that you're talking about Ethan that is so crucial, especially for our first gen students, it's been proven that students who have that other thing outside the classroom, they're set up to be much more successful and graduate and graduate on time or even even early. Love it all right. So number 10, this is kind of a different one. Don't be mean to the people you'll miss the most. Now, a lot of parents have this problem where their kids start becoming very angry and lashing out. I don't know if you're a if you're someone who does this, but what happens is, when you have big changes coming, a lot of times, what we do is we push away from the people who love us most. So it isn't as painful for us to say goodbye to them, especially if we're living on campus or if you have friends who are going away to different places. So just understanding that one of the things that you might do is push someone away to protect yourself really helps to be able to work through it and be closer and get comfortable with the uncomfortable


Ethan Sawyer  27:14  
man. This is resonating, and I'm wondering, is there, do you are there any tips that you'd give once someone has already been mean to the person that they'll miss the most, is there. Do you have any quick apology tips? Harlan, any ways to sort of re remake a connection


Harlan Cohen  27:27  
when you have this awareness and you know that it's coming, and this is really key when you know some of these things are normal, when you say it, or when you act in a way where you just push them away or say something so hurtful, what you do, and this is, and this is the beautiful thing is you face the discomfort, and you reach back out to the person you say, You know what? I'm really sorry I said that, or I'm really sorry I did that. I'm really nervous and uncomfortable with some of these changes that are happening, and I just wanted to apologize because I'm so grateful to have you in my corner, and I'm really excited to continue to have you as someone who can be there.


Ethan Sawyer  28:10  
Give us number 11,


Harlan Cohen  28:12  
visit the Health Center's website, or if you're visiting over the summer, or if you're a junior, see what type of Counseling and Psychological Services are available. You want to make sure that you know what help is there, and you can also identify some of the tutoring resources. Most campuses have free tutors. Most campuses have free support and free of course, if you saw my fingers, they're like making quote signs because you're not, you're paying for it. It's not like, you're showing up and you're like, free, free, free, you're paying and what's part of your costs is to take advantage of all these wonderful benefits. So there's, there's, there's a lot of times free therapy. These are amazing counselors who have been there and done it. And what's cool is, if you're somebody who's dealt with some challenges before going to college, a lot of times, students kind of beat themselves up, or they feel not so great about that. No, no, no, you should be so excited, because if you know that you've dealt with some challenges in the past, having those people in your corner, and identifying people who could be in your corner, people who you can turn to, is so key. And understanding the resources are great. If you find out that it's it's too hard to use those resources on campus, then who's someone in the local community, who's a therapist or counselor or doctor who's going to be in your corner? Identify that person before you arrive on campus. The idea is, you want to know where the help is before you need it, so that if you need it, and most people are going to need it at some point, you have access, and it's very easy for you to take advantage of those resources. And when


Ethan Sawyer  29:48  
I ask folks like, what's one regret you have for college? A lot of folks say like, Oh, I wish I'd studied abroad. Having studied abroad, my actual biggest regret is that I didn't take advantage of the three the free therapy on campus, and I didn't learn it until. Like, my senior year, my friend had been, like, for like, two or three years, and I was like, what I could have gotten that for free? And like,


yeah, I was like, Oh, man. So it's


Harlan Cohen  30:08  
good. It's cool. You know, they have really great group therapy too. There's these, these, these, these wonderful sessions that take place where people are able to connect and share from different worlds, and they happen on a regular basis. Now, if someone's like, Oh, I'm a little worried about this. I'm afraid of it, then get a job in the counseling center. Get a job in the health center. I think everyone can have a job on campus, or should have a job on campus, because it gives you a place to go where you're around different people, and you'll have different experiences. It's only going to help you, and you get to make some money too, which is great. Well, who doesn't want extra money? Yeah, oh, number 12, look more money, right, especially from people who have the money. Now I could ask everybody who's listening to raise your hand if you are worried about money. Now I would say probably three quarters of the people are raising their hand if you're driving, just raise one. Don't raise both, because that would be unsafe. But if you are concerned about money, know that there are so many people who are and giving it voice is really important. Money can be a funny thing where there are a lot of different emotions, especially when it comes to parents and their children and money. So here's the thing, if you need money, if you want money, find the people who have the money. Find the seniors who got scholarships and have the money. Talk to the people in the financial aid office who get the money. Find the tricks so that you can find the money. Find the students who don't have money, who are living on campus and are somehow able to afford to pay for campus, are able to pay for their room and board or tuition. So you find the people who have the money, and you ask them how they got the money, and especially those seniors who have the money, who found scholarships or were able to find some type of grant, or were able to find a really amazing job, those people are going to help you to be able to do the things you need to do to find the money. Because the money's there, it's just you have to consistently ask, and it has to be important enough for you to go after it consistently throughout your college experience.


Ethan Sawyer  32:12  
Such great ideas. Love it. Yeah, one, one quick way that I found the money was I found out that there was an undergraduate research grant that was available for like, a few 1000 bucks, and they, I think they just didn't have enough people applying for it. So I applied for it, like, within a day with, you know, found out within a couple weeks that I won this research grant, ended up traveling for the summer, like going to Spain and France. Created a piece around it, like, as I was in performance studies and theater, and it totally changed, you know? I mean, it just broadened my sense of the world. Inspired me then to go study abroad. So, yeah, apply for those, especially those, like grants, those, those things, if you've got a project or something you want to create, there's, oftentimes in schools or these little pockets, and there are offices that specialize in these, depending on, you know, whether it's the financial aid office or the office for undergraduate research grants, it's, it's there. It just take some some digging around. Did


Harlan Cohen  33:02  
you have a relationship with someone in the department that informed you of this? How did you discover that this grant was available? Good


Ethan Sawyer  33:10  
question. It was just, I think it was just an email list that went out to our department. There was sort of like, or a listserv that just went out and was like, hey, heads up. These, you know, these grants are due in a week, you know. So I think I just got on a listserv. But had I, like, going back, I'm sure there were others of those available, if I just poked around a little bit to find out. And the other thing that I could see that, like, the benefit of that was, if you've got someone that you know that's in the department or who's has some sense of what kind of applications look, great, they can actually help you put together your your grant application.


Harlan Cohen  33:38  
Yeah, those are, those are amazing. I mean, talking to the head of the department is a huge plus, or a professor or somebody who knows of these, these grants or scholarships. A lot of times there are people who were part of these programs, and they fund these, these, these grants, and not everybody knows about them. And then I love that you checked your email, and this is a huge issue. I don't know if you, if you find this Ethan with the students you work with, a lot of them don't check their email. Schools really struggle with this, and I know that there are many ways to communicate. A lot of a lot of schools still use email, and really checking your email is such an important thing that would be my number 18 is like practice checking your email and actually read the things that the department's putting out there. Because just like you found that additional resource for the grant, there are really cool opportunities. And I'm telling you, because I go to these campuses, most people don't go to these things. Most people don't. Most people don't take advantage. And if you do, just by showing up, you are exceptional. Number 13, make rules for going out, especially after dark. There's a whole other world outside the classroom. Maybe you're spending 15, 1618, hours in class. That leaves a lot of time. To do a lot of other things. And when you're in college, there are no rules, right? I mean, there's laws, there are laws, but, like, you can pretty much do whatever you want, and the only person you're accountable to is yourself, until other people find out, right? Like, this is amazing. You have this total freedom. And a lot of a lot of people struggle with this. Ethan, how did you do with life outside the classroom after dark?


Ethan Sawyer  35:27  
Well, in the theater community, there are so many opportunities to there were so many opportunities like shows happening. I was, you know, in Chicago, which you know really well, and so just outside Chicago, so there were just a ton of, there was a ton of stuff to see. And I swear, like getting that in that new student week, like getting out a bunch and, you know, one of the bits of advice that I give to students is like that first week say yes to every, well, almost every opportunity, you know, right, just to, just to, I think getting that sense of, like, what, what was out there, what opportunities are available to me, was great, especially before I got into the, you know, the routine of going to classes and stuff. Because I found that once I was in the routine of classes, I was a little bit less apt to go out. So, you know, saying yes early on to those after dark opportunities, that sounds really dark, like, you know, and getting out and seeing what's out there. Then, you know, it's just, it just kind of, you know, builds a bridge, removes a barrier to getting out later. So, yeah, does that answer the question? I think it does. Yeah,


Harlan Cohen  36:25  
I love that you brought that up, because there are so many students when I say make rules, there are so many students who are intimidated by life after dark, you know, the idea of drinking or drugs or temptation, or how am I going to create a life on campus? You know, I don't really party. I don't want to party. And the thing is, you know, listen, you're going to make whatever choices that you want to make that are in alignment with your values. And I totally recognize that, and schools recognize this. So the idea of having rules, like, whoever goes out together comes back together, is so important if you choose to drink, assuming you're listening to this in Canada, and it's legal choice then and wherever you tend to do those things, really controlling your drink, not allowing anybody to serve you something. There are people who will put stuff in drinks. There are people who will take advantage of especially new students, the idea of making sure that you are walking in a group when you are on campus, when you're going one place to another, and not just trusting that walking alone is going to be okay. There are ride services on campus that will help students to get from one place to another. You also have your shared ride services, whether it's Uber or Lyft, but there's usually a campus program there, so really, having these rules when you're a new student and you want to be liked, it's very easy to bend your rules, but it's also important to stay true to the rules, because people who don't respect your rules are people who haven't earned an earned an invitation to be in your life, and it's really important To see that, and having places outside of those places with sticky floors after dark, which Ethan, I know you're saying, I think the churches don't tend to have sticky floors after dark. Lester, just dirt cleaning service. But there are lots of options. And designing that and creating a world before you get there, and seeing it is something that we all have the power to do, and you should do that.


Ethan Sawyer  38:25  
Great advice, yeah.


Harlan Cohen  38:26  
Oh, and just, I'll add, I always have one more asterisk. If you're ever in a situation where something happens that makes you uncomfortable, or something happens that really scares you, knowing that, giving it voice, talking to the people who can help you, there are advocates. There are people within the health services. There are so many people who want to help you and can help you, and it's so important to reach out to those people, because you're surrounded by amazing people who can really empower you and support you and lift you no matter what, what happens right? Number 15, get a bucket of medicine. It doesn't have to be a bucket. It can be like a container of medicine. It could be a bag of medicine. What happens is, if you get sick, and this is taking care of yourself physically, if you get sick, when you're sick and there's nobody, assuming you're living on campus, if there's nobody who can get you what you need, it's the worst, right? Oh, people, students will say the best care package that they got was one with a lot of over the counter medicine. Right? They were able to get this medicine because when they were feeling something that wasn't so great and they needed that medicine, it was there for them. So just being proactive and having that is really key, and also knowing at the health center, they can offer some huge discounts when it comes to any type of medicine. So if you're on something, needs something, also check with them, because they have, like, super ridiculous pricing. That's awesome. Super ridiculous good, super ridiculous good pricing.


Ethan Sawyer  39:52  
Okay, I thought you were really with that. Yep, got it right. I have to finish


Harlan Cohen  39:57  
my sentences, because I just think that you all know what. I'm going to say next. So why? Why give you the last word? I don't waste your time, all right. Number 15, have a scary, honest conversation with your parents. The honest part is really important. And what I mean is when it comes to the things that your parents expect, or when it comes to your expectations, having a conversation in terms of grades, what is it that you expect? What is it that your parents expect? The reality is that first semester, first quarter grades can sometimes not be as great. It can be hard to go through this transition. When it comes to communicating, how frequently do your parents expect you to communicate? How frequently do you expect to communicate when it comes to budget? How do you plan on budgeting and handling money if your parents are helping you with money? How are you going to budget that? How is that going to work, and really being open to what your parents are saying and thinking, and also being very clear in what you hope and want. And that's a really hard thing. It's a really wonderful thing to do. I always recommend if your parents are helpful and you love your parents, and hopefully you all love your parents in some way. I also love this idea of just writing them a note, just thanking them, just telling them you appreciate them. And the other thing is, and this is, I was talking to someone the other day, and I've had this come up before, where students will come back that first year and they won't go back to school, and what happens is, they share all the things that they were going through, that they were struggling with, and the parents are shocked. The parents didn't know. And when you don't have people in your corner and you're struggling. This idea of giving yourself permission to talk to your parents and finding out which parents you could talk to about particular issues is really important. And the last thing I'll mention with this is, when it comes to communicating, I always think it's nice to just kind of have how many times a week you don't have to pick a specific date and time, but it's also nice to be able to help your parents to know the best way to communicate. There's a parent who was frustrated because parent needed information. Parent need make some travel plans. The student wasn't getting back to the parent. It was going on and on, and the parent said, listen, like I'm cutting you off, man, like you got to get back to me. Which then the kid responded and said, Mom, find me on Snapchat. I'll respond to you right away on Snapchat. And then the mom learned how to do Snapchat, and that was how they were able to communicate real easily and effectively. So I let them know


Ethan Sawyer  42:35  
I had a friend that last night who's like, who's sitting we're sitting at dinner. And she was like, you know, Snapchat has really changed my relationship with my younger brother. She's like, suddenly we're talking every day, all the time. So yeah, it's like, it's, it's learning someone's love language. Harlan, dude,


Harlan Cohen  42:49  
I love that one, okay, number 16, use the three box strategy for packing, okay, especially if you're living on campus, so you have the box of stuff that you absolutely need. Okay, very easy. The second box is stuff you might need, okay, and the third box of stuff is stuff that you probably aren't going to need. So what you do is you just take the first box and you leave the second box at home. Sometimes the second box could be stuff you need. In the winter, you're living in a cold weather climate, and you're from a warm place, so you take that stuff later, and this way you are able to economize your space and you can ship stuff. And speaking of shipping, which I started talking about, instead of bringing everything, especially if you're living on campus, find out how you can get stuff sent via Amazon or whatever online provider you like to use because you don't need to fill up your car with everything in the world, because you can get sent for free, and there's discounts for college students, especially with Amazon sweet


Ethan Sawyer  43:52  
bring us home. All


Harlan Cohen  43:54  
right. Number 17 is plan to be an imperfectionist, and I know this goes against the grain of so many people's lives. Here's the thing, you are never going to be perfect, and I am a perfect example of imperfection. I live my life based on this framework. Basically all you can do is use what you want as your compass, and you take a step in the direction of what you want. You surround yourself with people, put yourself in places. Be patient while going after the things that you want, the things that you desire, the experiences you want to participate in. And if things go well, great. And if they don't go well, great, because you measure success during this part of your life, not on the product, but the process. And the only way to do that is if you embrace the idea of imperfection. Doesn't mean you're giving up. It doesn't mean you're not trying. It means that you are going to do the best you can do. And when you struggle, and we all will struggle, instead of hating or hiding or judging and thinking that you are the product of what you've created, you then can take a step back. Back and you can reflect, look inward, look outward, be able to move forward. And that is living a life being present. That's living a life based on values. And for me, that is what the college experience is all about. Yeah, I love this. I


Ethan Sawyer  45:15  
had an acting teacher who gave us the advice of, you know, when you go into an audition expect it not to go the way you planned. So that when that thing happens that throws you off and takes you out of focus, you go, oh yeah, I knew this was gonna happen. And there are certain things we can plan for, but that sort of living in that liminal space of like, I don't know, let's see, is I found to be hugely helpful. So thank you for that one hashtag life lesson. It's


Harlan Cohen  45:44  
crucial. And the the foundation of that one, and it would be wrong for me to spend this time with you, Ethan, and not share this piece, the universal rejection truth is one of the most important truths of the universe. And the universal rejection truth says Not everyone and everything's always going to respond to respond to me the way I want. That is the universal rejection truth. Lots of situations are going to turn out as planned, but lots of situations will not. And if I fight this truth, then I'm always on this journey for perfection, which is an impossible place to land. So it's so crucial to embrace this truth, knowing that no matter how amazing, interesting, attractive, dynamic, intelligent, all those things that you know you are not everyone and everything is always going to respond to us. So by giving the world permission to not always respond exactly the way we want, we give ourselves the room to be able to process and grow, but only by understanding this truth and understanding the process and giving ourselves permission to experience it. Are we going to get to that place or even a better place that we desire to go?


Ethan Sawyer  46:47  
Amen, Harlan, will you tell folks a little bit about best first year?


Harlan Cohen  46:51  
Yeah, so so many students need help when it comes to what's going to happen on campus. They need help in high school. They need help in college. So I took the best of the best of the naked roommate and 107 other issues you might run into in college, and a lot of what I shared during programs and workshops and trainings and created an online program that has videos and exercises people can sign up for this at best first year.com I also host webinars and live events throughout the year to help support students, to help support parents, because I want to be in your corner. I want everybody to have whatever it is they want to have. And so many students struggle. The statistics are there so many students overwhelmed, anxious, tired, hopeless. And for me, that's just such a tragedy, because this part of your life should be so incredible, and I help you to create the dynamics so that you can get to wherever you want to go. So that's what Best First Year, and Best First year.com is all about love


Ethan Sawyer  47:49  
it. Harlan, thank you. What? What do you want to leave folks with?


Harlan Cohen  47:54  
Oh, just gratitude. I'm just so grateful. I'm so thankful. Ethan, I just you know I love what you do. I love how you help people. I love that you create a platform for me to be able to share this. I love just being a part of your life, and if you're listening to this, thank you so much. And I'd love to continue the relationship, and you can find me on social media, check out the books, and let's get to know each other, because we're all in this together.


Ethan Sawyer  48:23  
Thanks so much. Thanks for listening. You can find harlan's book, The Naked roommate, online, or wherever fine books are sold. His online program can be found at best first year.com you can find them on social media at Harlan Cohen and on the [email protected] slash, help me Harlan, and you can watch his awesome TEDx talk at Harlan cohen.com/tedx,


that's it. As always, stay curious. You.


Transcribed by https://otter.ai