704: On Becoming: The Art and Craft of Personal Storytelling (Ep 4: Tiny Windows into My Being) with Ali McKeon

Ethan Sawyer (00:00)
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Hi friends and welcome back to the podcast. This is our series called On Becoming, the art and craft of personal storytelling. Now this is a series where we look closely at personal essays written by real students. We talk about why we love them, what makes them work and how they came to be. In this episode, we explore what I like to call an essence objects essay, which is to say an essay, a personal statement submitted to college that's about objects in the author's room.

and each object reveals some different aspect of who they are. And I'm joined today by Ali McKeon, who is an essay coach and a program advisor here at College Essay Guy. Now, Ali worked directly with a student whose essay we're going to read today. So we're to get a sort of behind the scenes look at how this essay came to be. So if you're the kind of person who loves seeing how things get made, whether it's a film scene or a great meal or a piece of writing, hopefully this episode will deliver.

If you've never met Ali, she is a writing coach and a veteran college admission essay specialist with a BA in English from Stanford University and an MFA from UC Irvine. She is passionate about building students' confidence in the writing process and developing them into strong self-advocates for their individual learning needs. In fact, one of the highlights of her career has been mentoring bright students with learning differences. In addition to teaching, she is an arts entrepreneur, a former professional ballet dancer,

and a mom to a busy toddler. Enjoy.

Hi, Ali. Welcome to the podcast.

Ali McKeon (01:47)
Hi Ethan, thank you for having me. ⁓

Ethan Sawyer (01:49)
Really

glad you're here and you're back and we're doing something different this time. We're going to talk about a lovely story that this student is telling. And I'd love for you to set us up because you know the student better than I do. Set us up here. Who wrote this essay and maybe give us a little context about what it was like working with them.

Ali McKeon (02:09)
Sure. This student, her name was Ariak, and you have sort of students that come to you and they're students that you're going to remember for a long time in terms of the process and how the essay unfolded and sort of the stories and the generosity that they brought to every single session. She's definitely one of those. She is really interested in aerospace engineering. She's actually at Santa Clara University right now.

you know, studying aerospace or yeah, engineering, some engineering major of some sort. Let's see, like the things that I remember most about her from our session is that she is a deep listener. So like she really clung to every single thing that I was saying in session. And I think that's because she's also like a solo processor. She really liked to go back and

think sort of in private and then come back with ideas that just like exceeded my expectations and gave us so much more to talk about in session. And the other thing I'll say about her is, you know, that really stood out to me is that she is a super strong self advocate. She was really clear with me from the beginning what she needed from me. She, she requested like really specific questions to help her to dig deep.

and get to the heart of what it is she wanted to say. And I don't always get that clarity from students. So it was really nice to be told exactly what she needed as a learner, as a writer going through this process.

Ethan Sawyer (03:49)
I love that so much. And I'm so grateful for you naming it because I'm sort of like, you know, for students who are going into this process, like a simple question that you can ask yourself is like, what do I want from my counselor or essay coach or whoever you're working with or your parent, you know, like say specifically, here's what I would like and here's what I would not like. And if you don't get that thing, like ask for it again. So I appreciate that.

All right, let's get into the story. I would love it if you'd be open to reading it because folks have heard my voice enough on this podcast and then we'll talk about it.

Ali McKeon (04:23)
Cool, let's do it. Okay, so we'll start. The simplest way to get to know me is through the charming hodgepodge of my room. Neon rock and roll albums hang alongside surf posters. Einstein quotes are taped next to goofy bat mitzvah polaroids and a NASA sticker reading, OMG, Houston, I have so many problems. Sticks to my mirror.

Hiding between my original 1941 Nancy Drew novel and a spray painted shard of the Berlin Wall is a host of more lackluster keepsakes, misfit items that are tiny windows into my being. Lined above my bed are hand-built model rockets at which the engineer, physicist, and astronomer in me beam. My favorite is not the one that reached 5,000 feet, nor the one that surpassed the speed of sound. It's a dinky red rocket standing a foot tall, the first I built.

Dozens of rocket constructions and many years later, I've gained confidence in taking initiative as a female engineer, becoming the first minor and female in my state to earn a high power rocketry license and founding a chapter of the National Association of Rocketry at my school. I'm fascinated with our universe from the electromagnetic fields of neutron stars to throttling in XLR 999 engines. And I plan to take that initiative into my future as an aerospace engineer.

Lying in a worn box is my crumpled admissions ticket to the MoMA. As I strolled through Warhol, Picasso, Monet, I felt alone in my world of wonder, despite the crowds around me. My internal historian, philosopher, and his artist were ecstatic. Who invented the color wheel? What can art express about society? My love for humanities manifests contemplating language development with my history teacher, debating the functionality of Plato's Republic in a class discussion.

or performing the crescendo in Piazzolla's Inverno Portano on my viola with the local orchestra. I'm passionate about more than science and will continue exploring the countless ways to express our human experience. In my jewelry case hangs an unpolished Star of David necklace that connects me to my Jewish, German, and American identities. During the October 7th attack, I was in Berlin on a foreign exchange.

Loud opinions were broadcast to me from street riots and online news, but I couldn't pick a side. My Jewish side ached for my global community, my German side panicked at accusations of genocide, and my American side felt guilty for my freedoms in the face of others having theirs taken. I experienced the world's interconnected pain and pondered whether one way of thinking is correct if another suffers from it.

Moving forward, I'll be a perspective seeker, using curiosity and care to disarm the fear and pain beneath violence. Stuffed in my nightstand is a drawstring bag of medications. I suffer from complex migraines, leading to doctor's visits, MRIs, and innumerable hours laying in a dark room with a cold compress over my eyes. Living with migraines is a way of life. It's needing, not just wanting, eight hours of sleep every night, being disciplined about eating meals at the same time each day,

vigilantly checking food labels for preservatives and so much more. It's about forced balance, even when I want to push myself, and overwhelming gratitude when I'm healthy. Though migraines may slow me down, they don't stop me. When I have to step off stage in the middle of a concert or ask for an extension on an honors assignment, I know when I return, my best work is yet to come. I live with a growth mindset, the challenges ahead and choosing to thrive.

I'm a delightful disarray of things. I'm the boom of a rocket and the hum of spinning stars. I'm all the hungry questions and all the notes on a scale. I'm an empathetic German American Jew. I'm not perfect and I'm not giving up. I can hardly wait to see what else I'll become.

Ethan Sawyer (08:19)
Wow.

Ali McKeon (08:20)
Mm-hmm.

Ethan Sawyer (08:22)
I feel moved by that ending.

Ali McKeon (08:25)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, she would come back to every session with such specificity in terms of detail, examples of how she wanted to portray some sort of quality or value that she held. And then deep insight because she has spent so much time thinking about who she is and what motivates her, what inspires her and who she wants to become.

Yeah, this was like the perfect essay for her using the objects in her room as an extended metaphor for her identity.

Ethan Sawyer (09:00)
Yeah, tell me about where the idea came from.

Ali McKeon (09:05)
where did the idea come from? Well, so her brainstorming was really excellent. It was just like filled to the max with so much details. And so there were lots of cool stuff like that showed intellectual curiosity. So that helped us to hone in on, you know, some of the values. She said, you know, I want to write an article for the New York Times, right? And I was like, Ooh, tell me more about that. And like different articles that she would want to write and articles that she had written on, the gender gap and

and STEM, winning an award for it. And other lines like, I'm the first minor and the first female in the state of Hawaii to earn a high power rocketry license. And like, that's going somewhere in your application, like in the essay or the additional info section. Inspiration was really important to her. She had like a bunch of quotes in the brainstorming. And then Jewish identity was very strong and the relationship to culture and travel. And every single one of these things had an object represented.

in it and we were meeting on Zoom and she'd like be pointing to it behind her and I like, take me on a tour of your room. And I was a little nervous because I feel like the stuff in my room essay can be a little cliche, but she had such an eclectic collection of things and I was like, I think that this will work really beautifully and show that you have like an eclectic mind and playful identity. So that's kind of how it emerged just like on Zoom.

through brainstorming and seeing her room and her taking me on a tour.

Ethan Sawyer (10:35)
Yeah, there's when it comes to, we'll call it the objects in my room style of essay. It can be cliche and I'll say to students, it's, it can tend to be more, you know, blend. It'll blend in more if the objects are objects that other students will have. And the things that you say about the objects are things that other people would say, but there are two ways to stand out. One is like objects that maybe not everybody else would have like a Nancy Drew novel. And then the other way is just like saying stuff about them that other people wouldn't say. for instance,

you know, a rocket or, you know, something like a rocket. I'll just use that could be something that another student has, but what you say about it is the thing that makes you stand out. And so if there's a student listening and they're like, I feel like I've got these cliche sentences, like just look at the sentence and then ask yourself, could someone else have written the sentence? And if so, like cross it out, say something else about it.

Ali McKeon (11:26)
And not only like the object, but like how do you describe it, right? It's not just a rocket, it's a dinky red rocket standing a foot tall. And I really pushed her to like describe it to the max. So like these paragraphs were bulky. Because I said, don't hold back. I want you to write every single detail and then you will decide from there, like what is the most significant and where do you want to allot the time talking about X, Y, or Z? It's like.

The warrant, like there's there's a warrant lying in a worn box is my crumpled admissions ticket. So it's not just like a thing, but the imagery is so vivid because of the word choice. And then this is also very much an identities essay, right? There are so many identities that are woven in. So I would, I would say it's like a hybrid essence objects identity essay where we get to see like.

the historian, philosopher, artist side of her, her Jewish, German, and American identities. But I think like these objects that represent who she is, you know, aligns with some of her other interests, kind of like a little bit of a wink moment.
Ethan Sawyer (12:36)
Yes, okay. And for those who are listening who aren't sure what we mean by words like essence objects and identities essays This is like these are specific kinds of essays that students can write when it comes to choosing a theme and One style of essay is what we call a montage essay So a montage is like you pick a theme and you connect it to different sides of you So in this case the theme as Ali's pointed out is like the objects in my room

But there's like a second theme, which is like all these different sides of me that these objects are revealing. So in that sense, it's a hybrid. It's both an essence objects essay. Here are these objects that connect to different values, but also here's how they reveal different parts of who I am in terms of my identities or the, either the, like the hats that I wear in terms of like roles that I play or different parts of my, you know, social cultural identity. Okay. I want to jump into some of the details because there's such good stuff here. So let's look at the opening.

The simplest way to get to know me, she begins, is through the charming hodgepodge of my room. Neon rock and roll albums hang alongside surf posters. Einstein quotes are taped next to goofy bot mitzvah polaroids and a NASA sticker reading, OMG Houston, I have so many problems, sticks to my mirror. Hiding between my original 1941 Nancy Drew novel and a spray painted shard of the Berlin Wall is a host of more lackluster keepsakes. Misfit items that are tiny windows into my being. And I love the way that

Tiny windows into my being like sets up the whole thing. I'm curious, how did she pick, how did she decide which ones to go in that opening paragraph, if you remember?

Ali McKeon (14:09)
Mm-hmm. Yes, she did around five drafts of this opening paragraph. She listed all of the things, and we kind of talked about what each one represented, and we kind of wanted to give a little sense of the types of things that we would be talking about in the rest of the essay, right? So the neon rock and roll albums, I think it sort of speaks to, like, she said that she's an old soul.

Right? And so she likes music that, you know, many of her peers don't like, or not don't like, but don't, you know, listen to often. Surf posters, you know, she's from Hawaii. And so kind of like, you know, giving a little bit of a nod to where she's from. Einstein quotes, you know, she is, she's really motivated and inspired by the words of others. And I think that's why she's such a beautiful writer, because she's read so many other beautiful pieces of writing. So she had this, you know, natural

poeticism to how she unfolds ideas. You know, the goofy bat mitzvah polarites, like she's going to talk about her Jewish identity later. NASA, you know, referring to the aerospace engineering. Nancy Drew kind of going more in line with like her interest in humanities, right? She said, I'm more than just an engineer. And then the spray painted chart of the Berlin Wall, you know, she talks about her study abroad in Germany. So I wanted, I wanted her to think about objects that

were related to some of the things that we would be talking about later on.

Ethan Sawyer (15:43)
I love that.

Ali McKeon (15:45)
And I think that she does such a beautiful job with the launch line. The launch line is sort of, for me, like writing an intro, like the opening hook of your essay and also like the final line of the essay. It's like, if you can get those three done really well, I think you set yourself up nicely. And so yeah, she did five drafts of just this intro and it went from, you know, probably like.

15 lines long to what it is now. And it was what I call tragic cuts. There are tragic cuts that have to be made, but I think she was really happy with where this landed. ⁓

Ethan Sawyer (16:23)
I love that you encourage her to overwrite because oftentimes students are like, I want to get it perfect on the first time through. it's like, you know, write more, write more. We'll, we'll, we'll curate. We'll find the ones that are like the right ones for you. And then the other thing that I'm hearing is the, that each one, each one of these matters. So students, as you're listening, like when you're choosing these specific details for like your roommate essay or whatever it is, like finding the specific moments or the specific images that will reveal.

particular values. Like, each one should reveal something different. I think each one does here reveals something different, which I love. And that moment of, like you said, the launch line, I think it's perfectly placed. This is too many words. Let me say a shorter thing in response to what you just said. So two things I want to comment on. One is I love that each one has a particular value that it's associated with and students who are writing.

You know, keep that in mind when you include these values ask, or when you include these details, ask yourself, what value does this represent about me? And the second one is yeah, this launch line. And I think it's perfectly placed here at the end of the second paragraph, misfit items that are tiny windows into my being. And what that answers for the reader is like, where are we going? Like, what is this about? What's happening? And it lets us know, okay, here's where we're headed, but it doesn't give away so much that we're, we're like, it's answering all the questions. It's actually just giving us an orientation for.

why the student has just shared these different objects.

Ali McKeon (17:52)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, nothing is arbitrary. Every single choice that she made was for a very specific reason and purpose.

Ethan Sawyer (18:02)
The next paragraph is lovely. Lined above my bed, she writes, are hand-built model rockets at which the engineer, physicist, and astronomer in me beam. That triple identity thing, so good. My favorite's not the one that reached 5,000 feet. By the way, one of them reached 5,000 feet. Nor the one that surpassed the speed of sound. I mean, they're just such subtle, beautiful flexes. It's a dinky red rocket standing a foot tall. The first I built. And so it's just such a beautiful, subtle weave in of like,

It's kind of like burying the impressive thing. So this is like a really subtle thing of like, how do you weave in extracurriculars and brags without sounding like you're bragging? And here's like a simple technique is like you kind of bury them, And you you mention them, but it's not the main focus of the paragraph.

Ali McKeon (18:50)
Yeah, you mentioned it for purpose. Like she's juxtaposing these cool things she's done with where she began. And so that then communicates growth rather than achievement. And that is how you are able to say what you've done in a way that doesn't come off as icky.

Ethan Sawyer (19:11)
Totally. Yeah, and it that's it. That's a hard thing to do because I think that it feels counterintuitive right because Students are often coming in this process going like I know I need to brag about myself But how you know and where and finding your moments in the application whether it's the activities list or the additional information section or supplemental essay You know, I really think that the personal statement and I imagine you'll agree Ali is not the place necessarily to just like run through all your accomplishments, but it's finding

more subtle ways to weave them in. And it happens again here in the next sentence. goes, dozens of rocket constructions and many years later, I've gained confidence in taking initiative as a female engineer. So there's that value, which is one of our like admission nutrients, you know, that colleges really like to see. Initiatives as a female engineer, becoming the first minor and female in my state to earn a high power rocketry license and founding a chapter of the national association of rocketry at my school. Now you might read that or hear that and be like, that's braggy.

But I think it works here because the value is named first. And that to me is just another little technique that as students who are thinking about how do I weave these qualities in, can you show the value or name the value explicitly first? And then I love at the end of this paragraph, there's this insight I'm fascinated with our universe from the electromagnetic fields of neuron stars to throttling in XLR 999 engines. And I plan to take that initiative into my future as an aerospace engineer.

So I'm curious, talk to us about this sentence here at the end of this paragraph. What was she going for?

Ali McKeon (20:43)
Yeah, I think, you know, when she names like these big achievements that she's done, like very activities, listy type of things, I was like, I want you to contextualize that. Because you're saying like, you know, I've put all of this effort into doing these two things. Or like I have intellectual curiosity that drove me to do these things. And this was the end result. And so I said, I want you to like, show me the intellectual curiosity. Like, what are you fascinated with?

that moves you and drives you to get this high powered rocketry license or found the National Association of Rocketry at your school. And so I think by getting a little nerdy and geeky and using a little bit of aerospace engineering jargon, it balances out the like, look what I've done with like, no, this is like genuinely like what I'm interested in. And so I do think it's like, it's a balance of.

It's hard to just say what you've done and make it not sound braggy, but if you're able to balance it with a value, like showing growth over time or intellectual curiosity, that's what helps to contextualize what you've done within deeper core values and qualities, which is, think, what admissions officers are looking for.

Ethan Sawyer (22:04)
Totally. And I love that there's like a big healthy dose of, you know, I heart STEM, I heart engineering, because I think that oftentimes students will sort of be like, well, they're going to know that from my activities list, but they're going to know that from my recommendation letters. But, you know, she spends a paragraph on it and it's just like, look, just to be clear, like, here's my orientation towards my major and evidence that I've done stuff that, you know, will show that I'm going to be successful in this major. And then the next paragraph is like, but I'm more than that.

You she says, but again, she doesn't just tell, she shows us. says, like you reiterated earlier, lying in a worn box is my crumpled admissions ticket to the mama. As I strolled through war hall, Picasso Monet, I felt alone in my world of wonder and value despite the crowds around me. My internal historian, philosopher and artist for ecstatic who invented the color wheel. What can art express about society? My love for actually let's just pause there. Like talk to me about the first half of this paragraph. What was, what's she going for here?

Ali McKeon (23:04)
⁓ I'm wondering, did she include the line about, yeah, I'm passionate about more than science? She was very clear with me early on that one of the things that she wanted these colleges to know about her was that, yes, she is a STEM nerd and loves rocketry, but she is way more than that. And she said that to me over and over again.

And really our conversations didn't really center around, you know, STEM or rocketry as much as it did around, you know, humanities and other sort of like rhetorical questions or existential questions and her love of music and how she dedicates a lot of time to that. And so she made it super clear, like, I really want them to understand that I'm not just one thing.

Ethan Sawyer (23:56)
I love the specifics of Plato's Republic and the crescendo and Piazzolla's in Vierno Portano on my viola with the local orchestra. What I noticed about the final sentence in this paragraph, when I read it again, I'm passionate about more than science and will continue exploring the countless ways to express our human experience, is that could have very well been a topic sentence. Like she could have started the paragraph with that. I like it here as an insight because it answers the question, so what? So what she's doing is she's doing the show's intel thing.

You'll probably remember parents or counselors were listening. You heard an English class show, don't tell. I think in the college essay, you're showing and then telling. And I think she shows so well her curiosity through these questions that she's asking. Side note to students, if you want to demonstrate intellectual curiosity, give us some of the deep questions that you're interested in, that you're going to be engaged with in college. And then yeah, at the end there, there's this.

You know, there's been an explicit mention in the previous paragraph of like, here's my major and then an explicit mention almost in a parallel way at the end of the next paragraph of like, I'm passionate about more than science and it really feels satisfying to contextualize all that, all those details that she just shared with us.

Ali McKeon (25:09)
And the development of the details for this paragraph was really important for her because she's like, I love the humanities. And I was like, give me proof. Like, give me examples, right? Like, oh, I love to read. I'm like, what do you love to read? What are the different themes that move you? What are, you know, are there any sort of discussions that are happening in class that have, you know, stuck with you? Like, let's name those things. And so we are sort of naming non.

resume or activities list things, right? Things that are happening in class. But then also we are referencing, right? We're referencing her playing the viola. Not by saying like, play the viola, but performing the crescendo. And then she names a specific work that she's playing in. So I think like the specificity, this is like a really good example of specificity. So for students that are

you know, trying to dig deeper and go beyond saying like, love humanities, I love to, you know, read. It's like naming the book, naming themes, naming authors, zooming in way more is what makes the example more powerful.

Ethan Sawyer (26:24)
The next paragraph reads, in my jewelry case hangs an unpolished star of David necklace that connects me to my Jewish, German, and American identities. Like, what a beautiful complexity just in that one sentence. And what I love about that is that it takes us in a new direction. We've got stem side of me, and then we've got other sides, humanity side. And then we've pivoted, again, on an essence object to cultural identities.

During the October 7th attack, she writes, I was in Berlin on a foreign exchange. Loud opinions were broadcast to me from street riots and online news, but I couldn't pick a side. My Jewish side, a for my global community, my German side panicked at accusations of genocide and my American side felt guilty for my freedoms in the face of others having theirs taken. I experienced the world's interconnected pain and pondered whether one way of thinking is correct. If another suffers from it, moving forward, I'll be a perspective seeker.

using curiosity and care to disarm the fear and pain beneath violence. What do notice here?

Ali McKeon (27:26)
Mm, yes. I think this is maybe my favorite paragraph. And it took, it took many rounds to get this to where it's at. Because it is like, it discusses not only identity, but also moral complexity. And so to be able to discuss something that is so morally complex in a paragraph.

is really difficult to do and I think she did it well. She doesn't try to solve the problem or answer the question, but just show that she is open-minded and it shows, yeah, she wanted to show that she's open-minded and can manage this ambiguity in a healthy way, which is something that colleges are definitely looking for.

Ethan Sawyer (28:17)
Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. How can you be a bridge builder? And in particular, I think the skill that she's demonstrating here is perspective taking that ability to see through different lenses. And, you know, and I think it's just like, this is just like a little two sentence masterclass and demonstrating like intersectionality and how it can impact the human. you I love this sentence. I'm gonna read it one more time. My Jewish side ached for my global community. My German side panicked at accusations of genocide.

Ali McKeon (28:26)
Mm-hmm.

Ethan Sawyer (28:47)
My American side felt guilty for my freedoms in the face of others having theirs taken. And then she answers. what twice? So what I experienced the world's interconnected pain and pondered whether one way of thinking is correct if another suffers from it. So like to your point, Ali, she's asking a question that she's not answering, but it's a deeply complex question that shows her ability to sit with ambiguity. And then she could have stopped there, but she answers. what again, saying moving forward, I'll be a perspective seeker.

So she's like, here's how I'm orienting, using curiosity, core value, and care, another one, to disarm fear and pain beneath violence. So it's like, stuff's going to happen in the world. Here's who I want to be. Here's what I'm going to plant a flag for. And a student who's really willing to make a stand in this way is just beautiful.

Ali McKeon (29:41)
Yeah, this is a student who really has a clear idea of where she came from and how that has made her into who she is today. And she's very clear about what she believes in, which is really incredible for a young 17 year old. Sometimes I question, you know, what it is I believe in, but she just had such a, and conviction is too strong of a word because I feel like that can sort of imply like rigidity.

but she deeply believes and cares, you know, but is also open. And I think that she's able to get that across nicely here.

Ethan Sawyer (30:18)
one of the things before we hit record, we talked about was this next paragraph. And you noted that there was like, there were different options for this next paragraph. And the thing that I want to zoom back before we talk about it and say to folks is like, what's cool about this montage structure that we're talking about is that it's kind of modular. So, you know, the author can like switch out different objects for, you know, to based on what they want to say about themselves. But I'd love to hear just a little behind the scenes. Do you remember, like, was there something else that was vying for this,

the second to last paragraph spot, and then why ultimately did the student land on and what she ended up sharing here in the second to last paragraph.

Ali McKeon (30:56)
Yes. So this second to the last body paragraph was initially going to cover, you know, how she started diving late and how she had a description of how, you know, whenever she would dive into the pool, you know, the goggles would always slip down her face. And so sort of setting up the scene for values of like overcoming failure and challenge and mistakes. And then she brought in other examples of how she deals with difficult moments.

She was an ice cream server at a local ice cream shop in Pa'ia, and so she'd have to deal with very unwieldy customers at times. She brought in an example of driving a rocket into the ground near a friend's house and then playing an out-of-tune note in an orchestra-wide rest under a renowned conductor in front of a live audience. So she brought in all of these moments where

they're like maybe a little difficult and maybe a little embarrassing as well, but she wanted to show her growth mindset through all of that. And I personally, I get attached to what students write. Like the students don't only get attached, I get attached as well to the flow and to the ideas that are coming through. And then essentially what happened was we had like a pretty darn close to final draft and then three weeks before applications were due,

She got a round of recurring migraines. And so she suffers from, you know, chronic migraines and they're really intense. She has to, you know, lay in her bedroom for days at a time, has to miss school. And this has been, you know, a struggle that she has dealt with her whole life. And so for three weeks we couldn't meet because it just kept happening. And we finally met, you know, I don't know, a week before applications were due.

And she came to him and she said, I must write about this. I need to write about the migraines. And for me, I was like, yeah, let's do it. And for me projecting onto her, was like, she needs to write this in order to understand and make sense of her own story and feel like a victor in this moment, which she totally is. And so that's how this final body paragraph came to be.

Ethan Sawyer (33:15)
Yeah, I love that sometimes it'll happen that a student lands on a challenge and they're like, I need to write my whole essay on that. You know, and that'll become because it's looming so large in their awareness. And the thing that I want students listening to know and to realize is that you can make it a paragraph in the story. doesn't have to be the whole story. You know, it's a chapter in the book as opposed to the whole book. So just to remind you all, here's how that paragraph ended up.

Stuffed in my nightstand is a drawstring bag of medications. So there's the essence object. I suffer from complex migraines leading to doctor's visits, MRIs and innumerable hours laying in a dark room with a cold compress over my eyes. Living with migraines is a way of life. It's needing, not just wanting, eight hours of sleep every night. So what she's doing already is there's like the challenge in the first two sentences and then this sentence, here's the effects.

that it's needing eight hours of sleep every night, being disciplined about eating meals at the same time each day, another effect, vigilantly checking food labels for preservatives and so much more. So hinting at other effects. What has she learned? It's about forced balance, even when I want to push myself, and overwhelming gratitude when I'm healthy. Though migraines may slow me down, they don't stop me. When I have to step off stage in the middle of a concert or ask for an extension on an honors assignment,

I know when I return, my best work is yet to come. live with a growth mindset, accepting the challenges ahead and choosing to thrive. The reason I'm mentioning those pieces is like, you can, there's a whole other essay that you can write, which is like using the structure, challenges, effects, you know, what I did and what I learned. Here she uses a mini version of it. Challenge in two sentences, effects in one sentence, actually kind of two sentences. And then what I learned for a few sentences after that. What do you notice?

Ali McKeon (35:12)
When she initially came to me with, you I want to write about my migraines, I was at first like honestly a little nervous because, you know, writing about a challenge that you are, you know, currently going through can be really hard. But because she's been dealing with this her whole life and she's been reflecting on the impact that it has on her day to day and how she wants to move through her life despite this.

I think that that is what made this successful is it is something that she's been reflecting on for so long. And so she is able to say the effects on her and she's also able to show the Victor moment, right? Like even when I have to step off stage, even when I have to ask for, you know, an extension, like I know my best work is still coming. And so there's a little bit of hope and the optimism that

is something that I really admire about her having to even work on, you know, work through senior year plus all of these essays for, and she applied to many, many schools. And she ultimately chose Santa Clara over, you know, some other highly selective schools that she got into because she knows what she needs in order to thrive. And she was like, Santa Clara is going to be able to give that to me. And these other schools, maybe because of their branding are more

coveted or desirable by certain students, she had the maturity to put her health first and where she's going to thrive first. And I was just like, wow, the maturity in that is, I look up to it.

Ethan Sawyer (36:50)
Let's look at the ending because I loved it so much. She says, I'm a delightful disarray of things. And that to me is like, it comes right back to the start where she refers to herself as a hodgepodge. And this line just, I'm the boom of a rocket and the hum of spinning stars. I mean, I just goosebumps just reading that. I'm all the hungry questions and all the notes on a scale. ⁓ I'm an empathetic German-American Jew. I'm not perfect and I'm not giving up.

I mean, what a beautiful flash through of the entire essay here in one, two, three, four, five sentences. I don't know if it's one per other five paragraphs. say one, two, three, four, pretty much. I can hardly wait to see what else I'll become. And when you sent me this essay, I was like, MG, that's like the name of this podcast. It's about becoming what a great one to talk about. Talk to me about this ending.

Ali McKeon (37:43)
my goodness. I think I literally just gave her the prompt to use parallel structure to name some of the identities that she had previously discussed above. And I said, but can you say it in a different way? And I think that's all I told her. And so, you know, I'm a delightful disarray. Like just the alliteration is it starts us off really nicely.

And then the rhythm of the parallel structure, I really care about the ending of an essay. I think that the quote unquote conclusion can take any essay and just elevate it so much. she delivered here. And so it's like, yeah, I'm an aspiring rocket scientist. But instead of saying that, she says, I'm the boom of a rocket and the hum of spinning stars. And so using a bit of personification in the hum of spinning stars.

The hunger, like I'm all, and then personification again, I'm all the hungry questions and all the notes on a scale. So instead of saying like, I'm a philosopher or I am a musician, right? She sort of zooms in even more. German American Jew, I'm not perfect and I'm not giving up. And she actually had that last line. It's that same line for the paragraph that she had previously had about making mistakes.

and being new to diving and the goggles falling off her face. But she's like, yeah, I just want them to know like I'm not a finished product and I'm still growing. And I was like, that's beautiful. Colleges don't want finished products. They want students that are gonna continue to grow and evolve. Yeah, she knocked it out of the park. was so, when I read it, I was just like, I have nothing to say.

Ethan Sawyer (39:35)
I love what you're like the thing you're pointing to here about elements of identity and it's like the hungry questions you mentioned the philosopher identity sure she could have said philosopher, but it's thinking about what are the like the ingredients of the philosopher identity like what is that made up of and It's questions and it's like well, what kind of questions like give me a word to describe those questions. So I'm just trying to kind of like re

reverse engineer, what is the process, imagine the process that the student went through for students who were thinking about how do I show these sites myself? like, you know, I was a musician, what's another way to say I'm a musician? Like I'm, what are the pieces of it? Well, it's the notes on the scale, you know, and then alternating that with just some straight, yeah, I'm just going to name, I'm a German American Jew. I think that back and forth is really nice too. Sometimes it's really showing and sometimes I think it's telling again.

And then the, the, the sense of becoming, I can't wait to see what else I'll be coming. Kind of puts it in the lap of the reader to be like dot, dot, dot on your campus, you know? And it really invites, invites us and invites us into her becoming, invites us into her story, into her world in a way that's like, you know, we don't know. And she doesn't know what's next, which feels like kind of on the edge of my, my seat as I, as I, as I think about that, as I try to

Like, you know, take that perspective.

Ali McKeon (41:05)
Mm-hmm, yeah. This is who I am. And I'm not sure who I'll be, but that openness is, it's sort of like, it's not a cliffhanger, but it definitely swings you up and leaves you suspended at the end, which is sort of like a move that I really appreciate when I'm reading essays. I love to be in a moment of suspension at the end of an essay. The like, deep inhale.

It's like when you're seeing art, I love live performance, so when I see a moment on stage, it exists right there and then it's gone. But it left you with a breathlessness, and I think that she achieved that. And I told her that, I was like, it has to be a mic drop, it has to be, or for me, it's like, I want to feel suspended. And yeah, she made it happen.

Ethan Sawyer (41:58)
Ali, what do you love about this process?

Ali McKeon (42:02)
gosh, so many things. I would say like, as the guide through this process, I love asking questions and not knowing where it'll lead. I love when students, you see the aha moment for a student in their eyes and they're like, my goodness, I didn't even realize that about myself. I love how

Honestly, the process can be, the process is hard. Writing many drafts of like, writing is hard. And so you might see this essay and you might be like, I can't write that. That is like, I'm not capable of that. She struggled to write this and not in a, I'm not smart enough way struggle, but like she worked for every single word and every single example and line and insight. And I love the feeling after you've written like,

I love having written and I love when students realize that at the end of the struggle is, my goodness, I look back and I really loved that experience. They say that like the most impactful type of fun is the type of fun that was like in the moment it was really hard. But when you, once you're past it, you look back and you're like, ⁓ that was a good time. Yeah. And so I feel like with writing, I love seeing that in students because I

Ethan Sawyer (43:23)
Type two fun.

Ali McKeon (43:30)
also have a hard time writing. It's a struggle. But after it's done, the sense of accomplishment and like, the sense of accomplishment and yeah, pride that you feel and like what you've created. I love it when I get to see that in other students and sort of like being the guide to sort of like carry them through the hard parts and be like, no, trust me, like we're almost there. And so seeing that love of writing and the love of understanding themselves come out at the end is probably the number one for me.

Ethan Sawyer (43:59)
so much of what you're saying, Ali resonates with me and this notion of type two fun. Like I had some type two fun last week because as you know, I went camping with my daughter in Joshua tree and we decided to go diving into a cave. And this was like with nine, 10, 11 year olds. And there was this guide, her name was Emma and she took us in there. And there were these moments where the

The opening would get so small that I was like, well, we obviously can't go there. Like there's not, it's not big enough. And these 10, 11 year olds were like, kept diving through and going through. I was like, okay, I guess this is where we're going. And to me, this, was like, there was, there were three moments where I was like, I don't know how this goes. Like, I don't know actually how we get out of this. I don't know how my body is going to actually move through this, but we did. And afterwards I was like, glad I did it, but I don't know if it was like fun when I was actually doing it.

But I think I bring this up, one, because it reminds me of the type two fun, but two, because I think that this is kind of what we're doing in this process, right? With students, we're like diving into these caves of consciousness together and awareness. And we kind of don't know what we're going to find. And we kind of sometimes don't know if the cave is going to go right or left, or if we're going to hit a dead end and have to like go back and like go a different way. And it's like, we've got these little headlamps and we're shining them into the corners.

going like, is it this way or is it this way? But that's the thing you're speaking to is like the unknowing as we're spelunking as it were, not knowing where it's going to go. But what a gift, what a gift to be able to to spelunk with these these humans at this point in their lives.

Ali McKeon (45:44)
Totally.

Ethan Sawyer (45:46)
Thanks for hanging out with me.

Ali McKeon (45:48)
Thanks Ethan.

Ethan Sawyer (45:53)
Thanks friends, as ever, for listening. You'll find the show notes at collegeessayguide.com slash podcast, including the text of the essay that we read so you can check it out for yourself. If you're interested in more from CEG, sign up for anything at collegeessayguide.com and we'll share with you our latest resources, our upcoming free live events and webinars, and lots, lots more. Thanks friends, and stay curious.