602: Roles and Identities Part 2 (for Counselors and Educators): A Framework for Understanding How Your Roles Shape Your Work

The College Essay Guy - Episod...Identities 2 of 2 (Counselors)

Mon, Mar 10, 2025 3:59PM 24:59

SUMMARY KEYWORDS

Roles and identities, self-discovery, narrative therapy, internal family systems, emergent self, student identities, counselor transformation, critical thinking, shadow exercise, sub identities, overextended roles, calming motto, team retreat, personal growth, educational podcast.

SPEAKERS

Ethan Sawyer

Ethan Sawyer 00:08

E

Music, Hi friends, and welcome back to the podcast. So in case you missed it in the previous episode, I walked through some practical exercises for students and parents based on the roles and identities framework. Now you might be familiar with this roles and identities framework from basically every webinar that I've done for the past few months, but also from previous guests on the podcast. But briefly, what is this roles and identities framework? Now on this episode, I want to walk you through a set of exercises that I led my team through when we had a recent team retreat. So it's kind of like a little you get to be at our retreat for a half hour here. But first, what is this roles and identities framework? In case you missed it on a recent webinar, some of its underlying principles include the ideas that we contain multitudes. This is me quoting Whitman. We have many different roles that we play in life, and these roles can, at times, be summoned, which is to say we have choice over these things, these different roles are not monolithic. So they're nuanced, they're complex. They're constantly developing based on new experiences and discoveries, and they're socially constructed. Now important side note this roles and identities list and the exercise that I'm talking about are less about the identities that we're given, so things like race, class, gender, and more about those roles that we choose. Okay, but I'm using the word roles and identities in the title because sometimes people refer to these as roles, but sometimes people will say, Well, I identify as a change maker, or I identify as a blank. So this is a word that sort of is a larger umbrella term. But if you're interested in an exercise that helps students think about their given identities, things like race, class, national origin, religion, language, use, birth order. You'll find a separate exercise in the show notes, and it'll dive more deeply into that. But within this framework, the one I'm exploring today on this episode, I want us to think of these roles as being emergent, okay, which is to say, these are the things that are sort of coming into being right now. Now, now the work that we're going to be doing is inspired by narrative therapy, internal family systems and lots more, which I'll get into in future podcasts, I promise. But in a sense, I see, and I've always seen, this college essay process, and the college essay itself as a snapshot of this emergent self, a record of a student's becoming. But what about counselors, those of us who spend our days and often nights, let's be honest, answering emails, phone calls, texts, generally, you know, care, taking in 100 different ways. The question I want to launch here at the start of this episode is, how can we, as the cliche goes, make sure that we fill our own cups and not just our coffee cups. How can we make sure we're even more spacious and resourced, so that we're able to give back from a full cup and with a full heart? So I want to share with you a few exercises again, these are from a recent team retreat. The goal here is, of course, self discovery and more awareness of our patterns. My hopes that by the end of this exercise, which is going to take about 20 minutes or so, that you'll be able to sort of tap into your deeper wisdom and get a little perspective on things, maybe see things in a slightly different way, and maybe have some specific questions and strategies that are going to be useful in other areas of life. Why am I sharing these? Well, first of all, I think it's important to, as I like to say, Try our own cooking. And what I mean by this is that, because more colleges are asking about student identities and how those inform students and who they're going to be on campus. I think if we're going to use these types of exercises with students, because they'll be useful with students, I think it's really important for us to try them for ourselves, first, to see if they work. But second, because I think it gives us some great examples when we're walking them through to sort of, you know, illustrate these things. But the second reason is that I really believe this process can be a time of great transformation and growth for students, and I think the same is true for us as counselors and essay Coaches and Consultants. In fact, that's why I feel like a lot of us as counselors got into this work in the first place, right? That's why I got into this. So I think this is an opportunity for us to grow too. So I want to invite you to give yourself the gift of being a student, tap into that learner identity here as you're going through these and tap into the possibility that this isn't just busy work, but maybe you could make a discovery in one of these exercises today. And then finally, I just believe that given what's going on politically and socially and technologically. Especially with things speeding up. With all this AI use that this work of slowing down and being self reflective and critical thinking, teaching critical thinking, it's as important now as it's ever been, in so many ways. I think technology in the world is asking us to speed up. How can we slow down. I believe this process and these exercises represent a path. Let's get into it. So for this first exercise, you're going to need the roles and identities list, and you'll find it in the show notes, or you can just Google roles and identities College Essay Guy, I'll pause. You can actually do that. Okay, hopefully you've got a copy of this exercise nearby, something that you can either write on if you print it out, or you can just type on. So here's how we'll begin. I want you to look at this list, and I want you to pick 10 identities that you connect with, 10 roles. And I'll pause for a minute to let you do this. Once you've got your list, I want you to look at it, and I want you to see if you can pick 10 different roles that you identify with. Who are you? Which ones resonate today? Are you a researcher? Are you a party Bringer? Which ones jump out at you today? Now, some of you I know are going to look at this and be like, Well, I'm all of these things at different points, and so that's why I'm saying, Okay, what about today? Which ones are calling to you? And it's a look. It's okay if you highlight more than 10, but then once you do that, I want you to whittle down the list to about 10, and I'm going to allow you to pause the recording if you need to. So I'll, I'll pause for another few seconds. I'm Yes, okay, but I'm going to move on, and I know that's not enough time, so pause the recording if you need to. And by the way, you can think about your working life if you want. But also, I want to encourage you to think about your life, life, your life outside of work as well. Okay, I'm going to assume you've got 10 or 10 ish next. I want you to whittle down the list to the top five roles that you're resonating with today. So take a little time to do that. Pause the recording if you need to. Okay, next I want you to just scribble down or type if you like, one to two ways that each of these roles manifests in your life. So let's say, for instance, you've identified as an explorer. What are one or two ways that that explore role manifests in your life? Or maybe you're a planner. How does that planner identity come out? Think visually here. Okay, now there's so much that we can do with this exercise, and I want to just offer you two possibilities for today. So one of them is considering, if you look at these roles and identities, what are some roles that you've left behind, which is to say ways that you used to be but you're kind of like. As you look at them, you're like, I don't know if I am that anymore, or I feel like that's sort of like an old me. Or maybe your relationship to that thing, that role, whatever it is, has has shifted a little bit. So if you like, you can mark those with leaving behind lb. And then there are those roles that, as you look ahead, you're like, Well, I wouldn't necessarily say that. I'm definitely that yet, but I'm sort of becoming that. So maybe these are roles that you're calling in, which is to say you're leaning into a little more. So mark those in a different way, maybe calling in, maybe CI maybe, for instance, in the past, you've identified as a, I don't know, a planner or an organizer. Sure, but actually, you're starting to sort of lean into your adventurer, your, I don't know, mess maker side. So here you can separate these from like past roles to like future roles. And for those that you haven't written down yet. If you haven't marked a couple that you're calling in, go ahead and do that now and then. What are one to two ways that you see yourself calling in this role, and by calling in, I mean sort of manifesting it in the world. So an example of this is maybe one of the things you're trying to do more is you're trying to think more big picture. You're trying to be more of a strategist. Are there ways that you're doing that already, or, if not, what are one to two ways that you could do that? Let's say in the coming month, I Yeah, okay, so that's one exercise, and it's kind of in two parts, where we're looking at roles and identities that we've left behind, and roles and identities that we're calling in. And I think that's an important distinction, and it can create some really interesting conversation. So if you happen to be with somebody, you could pause the recording, for instance, and have a conversation about it. Or as a potential next step, you could just share this with a friend and say, hey, you know I was doing this exercise, and this is what I was coming up with. Can I share it with you and just sort of saying these things aloud? Can be pretty, pretty interesting, pretty powerful. Okay, the next exercise that I want to introduce you to is what I call the shadow version. And the shadow version is looking at a role or identity that we really connect with, that has lots of great and awesome things that it's brought into our lives, but maybe sometimes takes over, and, I don't know, causes us some stress. So this exercise is about developing a little more awareness of some of the patterns that we fall into with certain roles, and I'm going to ask you a series of deepening questions. Okay, so here's how it works. I want you to pick a role that has led you to feel overextended at times, a role that maybe you would like to get to know a little better. So for me, for instance, it's caretaker. I've been a caretaker ever since I was a kid. I was the oldest of five children. It makes sense that I went into a counseling teaching profession. So pick whatever that role is for you and pause this if you need to. Okay, next, I want you to consider that no identity is monolithic, so it's not a single thing I want you to consider that within each role there are sub identities, and that each of these sub identities contribute something slightly different to the larger role. So for an example, let's say you pick counselor, but you're not just a counselor, so it's not monolithic, not just one thing. You're actually also a big picture thinker, you're also a collaborator, you're also a connector, you're an idealist, etc, right? So, but I want you to do again, pick one role or identity that sometimes has you feeling overextended. And then think about, you know, maybe five different sub identities, you know, roles underneath that. And I'll give you a minute to do this, if you actually, I'll probably pause for like, 510, seconds so you can find these. And granted, I know that 10 seconds is not enough time to find all these so I'm going to ask you to just go ahead and pause the recording so that you can take the time that you need to find these different sub identities. Some people can find these really fast some people take time. Some people find only three, and some people are like, Oh, I could find 10. So see if you can get it in the sort of three to five range. That's sort of manageable. And let's take a minute to just a second to thank these parts like, Thank you big picture thinker you know for for keeping keeping zoomed out, helping me get perspective. And thanks collaborator, for being such an awesome teammate. And thanks idealist. I. For, you know, picking people up, when the team gets down, etc, they do a lot of work. Okay? But now we're going to look at the shadow version, which is to say, what happens when this role or identity is under stress, or when I'm put too many chips on this particular role or identity. So here's the series of stems, and I want you to just write down the answers to these stems, so fill in the blank here. Okay, sometimes my blank, whatever the role or identity is, can be too. What? So an example for me, sometimes my caretaker can be too I was gonna say caretaking, but it's like, too controlling, yeah, and like micromanagy. So what is it for you? Sometimes my blank role can be too blank, and maybe you list a couple things can be too anxious or too what, what is it next part which can lead to and what are some potential negative impacts of that? So for example, sometimes my caretaker can be too controlling, too micromanaging, which can lead to pushback. Can lead to, you know, people feeling like I don't trust them, or annoyance. At least, I don't know that that sounds a bit extreme. I don't know that people think I don't trust them. I think I tend to not micromanage, but maybe sometimes I do. But yeah, sometimes it leads, I can leads to people saying, Hey, I got this, which is like a little bit of annoyance, I think. So, what is it for you? What are the potential negative impacts of the too muchness? Okay, next part, so it's important for me to remember too, what? So it's important for me to remember too, what's some good what's a good thing to keep in mind in those situations and ask questions like blank, that's kind of a two parter. So what are some good things to remember, to do, and what are some important what I like to think of as nutritional questions. So for me, sometimes my caretaker can be too controlling, like too detail oriented, which can lead to annoyance, frustration. It can also lead to redundancy. People being like, hey, we already took care of that. Ethan, so it's important for me to remember, to ah, to focus on the things that I'm uniquely gifted to do and to ask myself questions like, Is this my job? Should this be my job? Is there something else that I could be doing to spend my time? Oh, another question for myself is like, where is this coming from? Sometimes it's coming from a place of anxiety. Am I anxious right now? That might be a good question for me to ask. What are the good nutritional questions for you? Then the almost last part of this is, what might this lead to? So sometimes my blank can be too blank, which can lead to blank. So it's important for me to remember to do this and to ask questions like this. What are the potential positive impacts of remembering to do those things or asking those questions. Well, I could see the positive impacts being things for me, things like, you know, a more functional team with people kind of staying in their lanes, and a little more ease in the workplace, more time for me to do the things I love, and more trust, yeah, Just more ease in my life. Here are two final questions, what's the lesson that this role or identity needs to learn? And finally, I. What's a useful mantra or a calming motto to help anchor this this sense, this thing that it needs to learn? You? So for me, the useful mantra or calming motto. I'm thinking of Hamlet here when close to the end of the play, he says, Let be so that's my calming motto. And what's the lesson or role that identity needs to learn, yeah, to let things be, to let other people be. Now, it's important to note that the purpose of this is not to shame this part and to treat it as bad. There are all sorts of reasons why parts act the way they do. Oftentimes it's to protect us. See internal family systems. To learn more about that. There's a great book called No Bad parts. But what I find useful, in particular about this exercise, is thinking about those situations where, again, we're put under stress, or when we've put so many chips on that particular role or identity that we've sort of lost perspective. And another exercise that I won't get into too deeply today, but you can also consider what is the foil to this role, like in a situation where I'm being too, you know, controlling or to micromanagy, what's a different role or identity that I could call on to help me out. So, for example, the delegator or the calmer, or the whatever that is that could, I could kind of call in to be on the team to offer some perspective. So that's sort of a separate exercise, but that's something interesting to maybe think about. Okay, reminder, we have all of these parts within us. These parts are all working together. They're doing their best to try and help us get our needs met. But what's the potential next step here? Well, I mentioned this earlier, but I think it could be useful to just have a conversation about this with a friend. Because if you're doing this exercise now, and you've sort of gone through it with me, chances are, you know, for some of you, you're like, Oh, I do this stuff all the time, but I don't know, maybe there was a moment where you had some new phrasing, or some way of thinking about this that felt a little fresh. I find it's useful to take that freshness, that bit of that narrative, and to share it out, find somebody that you could talk to about this and see what happens, and then, if you like, ask them specifically. Say, Hey, I'm not trying to fix anything in myself. I'm not trying to, like, change anything. I just wonder if I could just share with you a little bit about, you know, this thing that I've been thinking about just, how do you listen? Would you be down for that? And usually I find that people are pretty cool and pretty down to do something like that. And that's my TOTALLY OPTIONAL homework assignment for you is, should you choose to accept it? That's it. That's what I've got for you today. I hope you find this useful, and like I said, if you did share it with somebody, share it with a colleague, I'd so appreciate it. That's that's something that I'll ask I don't run ads on this podcast. So the best thanks that I can get if you found this useful is to just share it out with another counselor or consultant or essay coach. And I welcome your feedback. I would be really honored to hear back from any impacts from this exercise, what you learned, or if you like ideas for future guests, if anything occurred to you, you can send those on social media. You can direct messages on Instagram, for instance, or you can email us at help at college essay guy.com you'll find the show notes, as I like to say, at college essay guy.com/podcast and if you missed the previous episode, check it out. It's a pretty good one. It's parent student focused, but hopefully there's some some useful stuff in there. I walk through this really specific set of exercises where students and parents, students in particular, can think about who they've been. They can think about what they want to do this summer, how they want to plan out their extracurricular activities, and even think about which parts of themselves they want to be in the application. And then I also walk parents through a version of this shadow exercise, where they can think about who do they not want to be in the process. And also, you know, after that, okay, who do they want to be in this process, and how do they begin to open up conversations with their students about how they can work together as a team? Thanks for listening and stay curious. You.